I have been busy....

I have been busy! I made a whole bunch of fashion jewelry for friends, family and the nurses at the chemo centre. There is 1 male nurse at the chemo centre so I made a few wooden bead things for him to choose from. I'm really enjoying this! It's creative, I love giving gifts to people I know, I love seeing my creations being worn, it keeps me busy from silly thoughts, it used up lots of beading supplies that I have, it requires less physical exertion, etc. It's a perfect pass-time while being ill!

Here are some of the gifts I made. I forgot to take a picture of the 20+ pieces of jewelry that I gave to the chemo centre. My kids drew the designed the fabric ones for me to make and my son asked for the Snoopy:

I made many custom pieces for friends and family because I knew them well and I knew mainly what they like. As for acquaintances, I made mostly earrings as gifts because sizes don't matter much. Necklaces are not as bad but people do have preferences for long or short necklaces. Bracelets are the hardest. I have a very thin wrist so most bracelets fall off me and don't look good. So it's hard to figure out if something will look nice on someone else with a different shape or size of wrists (meaty, bony, prominent bone, etc). And I find that a lot of people will take a lot of fashion risks with their earrings but not so much with the other types of jewelry.

I still haven't heard back from my queries about using my jewelry for fundraising for my local chemo centre. I need to check that again. I would love to raise some funds for chemo centre, even if it's only $100. I need to talk to the chemo nurses for sure.

Only the kids are decorating the tree this year

In previous years, we would let the kids decorate the x'mas tree with whatever they like. Then after they had gone to bed, my husband and I would do a major edit to the tree decor. This year, I decided to just let the kids decorate everything and not edit anything. It's much more 'organic' that way. They used their Lego to decorate the bottom of the tree. They put their little stuffed toy into the branches. And they put the beaded and fabric ornament I recently made onto the tree too!

Tree decoration in progress by the kids

X'mas decor continues.....

I continue too make decorations for our x'mas tree. I have used up almost all the beading wire:

I guess I need to make some stuffed ornaments now! Or should I go buy some beading wire?

My cancer story on the local newspaper

My cancer journey is now posted on the local online newspaper:

https://www.yorkregion.com/news-story/9066210-markham-mom-with-stage-4-lung-cancer-needs-support-for-u-s-clinical-trials/

I hope this will bring attention to our Go Fund Me Campaign as well as patients like me who are stuck between the provincial health insurance program and no insurance. I'm sure there are lots of patients with serious illnesses like me in Canada, even though we have a basic universal health care program. How do we solve this problem, especially with complicated medical illness like cancer, with medical treatments that advanced much faster than the legislation can follow.

DIY Holiday decorations

I started making fabric and beaded holiday decorations for our x'mas tree. If I make 1 a day there should be about 20 new ornaments for the tree. The kids had also drew things on paper for me to make into stuffed 'whatever'. My daughter drew a cloud and asked me to make it into a stuffed cloud. My son drew a puppy's head and asked me to make it into a stuffed puppy head.

More added pockets for practicality

This blue wool tweed cap sleeves jacket was made a few years back. I love the fabric and the cardigan shape:

After adding pockets, a closure and some waist shaping, it becomes much more wearable:

It's great for travelling and stylish too!

Cancer post - what is my new role?

I'm continuing to go to Boston for the cancer trial drug first week of Dec. The last cycle in Nov resulted in a 'no change' situation - there were no increase in number or size of cancer tumours but also no reduction in number or size either.  It could be taken as an encouraging sign that things are not worse. Or it could be interpreted that the trial drug had stopped working.

The Boston trial only eliminates a participant if the cancer has progressed 2 months in a row - if the cancer tumours have grown in number or sizes. So that seems a while to wait for someone who's not sick enough to lie in bed all day, nor well enough to be able to even change a bedsheet by herself without having a breathing issue.

My mind is coherent enough to be super bored right now but my body is not well enough to resume 95% of what I used to do before my cancer diagnosis. It's a really frustrating place to be for a person who used to be very busy and like being useful. I don't know what my new role should be. I also cannot count on myself each day to be consistent - same energy/health level to deal with the kids or housework. Some days when the kids come home from school, I had the energy to deal with them. Some days I dread the sound of them coming home. How is this inconsistency good for the children? I also don't want them to have a heavy emotional reliant on me in case the cancer takes a turn for the worse quickly and unexpectedly.

I just want to be the old mom again. I can't right now. I don't know what my role is right now. I don't know what to do.............

New Fashion Jewelry - beaded tassel necklace

I love making crafts - Jewelry making, sewing, paper crafts, home decorating, etc. Lately I have been clearing up my jewelry making supplies and decided to make some new fashion jewelry. This was what was created:

I think this will look good with a nice sweater or sweater dress!

Refashioned: Plaid wool woven dress to tunic

I entered this plaid wool mix dress late last year into the PatternReview.com contest. I had only worn it once at a school Christmas concert. So I thought it would be more useful as a tunic top. I simply just cut it midriff and I had already worn it twice. Not bad for something that I made a year ago!

Before:

After:

Adding a closure to the Purple Reversible Faux Fur vest

I have been feeling well and not well depending on the day. So when I do feel good on a day I would like to take the opportunity to do something I enjoy: jewelry making, sewing, refashioning, etc.

Since I have to go to Boston now on a monthly basis, I wanted to make the clothes that I currently own more practical. This purple reversible faux fur vest was made late last year. It was warm and cozy except it required a closure. So some quick remnant denim and 2 buttons made the vest warmer and practical:

Before:

After:

Now it's even warmer and cozier to wear!

Chemotherapy hats for fundraising

I sweat shopped myself this weekend and made some chemotherapy hats for funding raising. I'm fundraising for my chemo centre as well as myself. I have made 2 Small sizes and 2 Large sizes. I will make 2 more Medium ones and then move onto tote bags. I think the bags may be easier to sell. I'm going to talk to the chemo nurses on Monday and see what the rules are for fundraising just for the chemo centre. I emailed the local hospital foundation but they didn't reply back. I think I will need to talk to a real person to figure this out.

Please spread the word - Go Fund Me

For those blogger friends who had been following my blog, you would have known that I have been diagnosed with non-smoker stage 4 lung cancer this March. I went through a whole range of cancer drugs approved by Health Canada but nothing worked. The tumours kept spreading got larger and larger.

A new drug treatment that has shown success recently but is only available on a trial basis in the US has finally started showing benefits for me but not without requiring a extremely large amount of money to pay for the US scans/tests, medication, medical staff and an unfortunate and unplanned visit to the emergency in the US.

If you are able, please donate what you can to help recover my expenses and stay alive as long as possible. The anticipated costs to continue treatment will reach at least $310,000CAD. The goal is to give me more time to spend with her family and help ease the financial implications. In addition, my mother has Alzheimer's and I would like to be alive and well enough to participate in my mom's Alzheimer treatment plan.

Please spread the word and share my story to help reach our goal.


http://www.gofundme.com/keep-darmeen-alive

Pikachu girl

My daughter suddenly developed a love of the character Pikachu this summer. For the school year 2018-2019, she bought a yellow Pikichu hoodie and wore it almost daily. She saw that I had some remnant of yellow fleece and begged me to make her a pair of yellow pants to complete the all-yellow Pikachu outfit.

For a few weeks I asked to make sure that she would wear the yellow pants outside - not just for dressing up inside the house. If it's just for dress up then I don't want to waste my limited energy to make the dress up pants. She assured me for a few weeks that she would wear it outside, she would wear it to school.

So today I was feeling well enough to use the sewing machine. I quickly used a pair of my daughter's pants as a template and made the yellow pants. My daughter put the pants on right away with her yellow Pikachu hoodie to go to a family outing. I thought she would look like a giant banana at first but it didn't look that bad. Perhaps she could wear that to school. What do you think?

Learning to make better hats - Fundraising for my Chemo Centre

I have been bitten by the bug to make better hats! I think I'll search through the web to learn about making better and more durable hats. I'll try to learn how to stiffen them and decorate them.

One of the problems of making hats and bags, etc, is that I will end up accumulating too many of them. When I was making lots of bags and jewelry for my Handmade by Lovenicky store, at least I could sell some of them at craft sales or give some of them as gifts. Hats will be harder to sell because of their specific sizes and styles. I guess I could go to my local Chemo Centre and see if chemo patients are interested but it's still kinda awkward perhaps make chemo patients feel uncomfortable that I see them with no hair. (I'm not sensitive about my bald head but hair seems to be very very important to a lot of women).

What do you think I should do? I would like to give the hats as a nice gift or perhaps make a small fundraising event for my local Chemo Centre. How should I approach this?

TV costumes - Frankie Drake Mysteries

It seems I have been hit with 1920 fashion fever! I'm watching this CBC original 1920's drama series 'Frankie Drake Mysteries' and I love the costumes. Of course BBC has the series 'Miss Fisher' with a much more sumptuous fashion collection. I realized that I have already collected a couple of these Oriental-esque outfits myself. And I would probably be able to make another with all the trims that I have been collecting in my stash too! Too bad it would probably be too 'costume-y' to wear them outside. Well, I guess I can still make some wool 1920's style hats for the fall for chemo patients.

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

www.pinterest.com

More Chemo Hats - Red Linen Cloche

I'm making more chemo hats! This is a a Red Linen Remnant Cloche - Very easy to make. I lined it with remnant fat quarter cotton fabrics. I had been collecting different types of clasps and applied it to this Cloche. It's very easy and very breezy to wear. Easier than tying a scarf for my head!

Now what other styles of chemo hats can I make?

Chemo Hats for Summer - Butterick 3687

Oh how I miss sewing and creating! I made this floral hat in an hour while being mad at myself for having to late night laundry (long story).

I got tired of trying to tie the headscarves different ways before they become all wonky. I thought a light weight hat would stay on the head better. So hat sewing here we go!

This is an Out of Print hat pattern that I have made before. I made View F. The reason it's a tried and true pattern is because I have a larger than normal head comparing to other women. Usually the large sizes are 23". This one is 24"! Yay for me.

I used a remnant outdoor black and white floral fabric, added a black trim and black buttons, and a white poly cotton broadcloth lining. Everything from my sewing stash. Didn't need to buy anything at all. Voila! I thought at first the floral pattern looked more like a brain but the kids assured me that they saw nothing but floral. And I even brought this hat to my Boston trip!

So remember! When one is sad, mad, or restless, run to your sewing machine!! LOL!

See my review on PatternReview.com.

Another Wedding Anniversary Milestone!

I forgot to mention that I went out with my husband for a wedding anniversary this past weekend! The actual date is in the middle of the week. We went to a slightly hip restaurant that we usually wouldn't go with the kids (e.g. no kid's menu kind of restaurant). We shared a fun appetizer, my husband had a full entree and we shared a yummy dessert. It was fun!

I tried to dress up for it. The problem is that I'm very thin right now. I have a sick person's body. I wore all my self-made stuff for this lunch date: white lace refashioned dress, men's jeans to women cropped refashioned jacket, a pair thrifted red Brazilian made knee high boots to hide my scrawny legs, and a carnelian pendant necklace.

Even the borrowed cane matched my outfit!

• The ironic thing is that when I was healthy I was trying to have a thinner body. I wasn't obsessed with it. But when I took a shower I would look at my lumps and bumps. Now I understand that I too got deceived and overwhelmed by the daily bombardment of men/women trying to put so much emphasis on 'looking thin' than 'being healthy'. Although I made almost all my clothes (much better fitting than RTW could ever achieve), I was not immune to the overwhelming societal messages. I hope I can keep instilling in my daughter that being healthy is so much more important than looking a certain way that society said we should look like. She tends to be insecure about her looks. In the summer, it's not as much of a problem. But once school starts, I'm worried that the kids at school would make her feel insecure again.

Simplicity 9457 Girl Ball skirt Done!!

After slaving an afternoon, the Simplicity 9457 Girl Ball skirt is done! I knew I didn't have the type of materials to make it really puffy but my daughter likes it anyway. She asked me to buy her navy blue dressy shoes to go with this skirt. Sorry this is just for dressing up purpose. I'm not buying any shoes for it! Thank goodness I lengthened the skirt because my daughter is a bit tall for her age. I'm not showing the underskirt because it's a real mess! LOL!

My camera is failing me......

Limited Ingredients for Girl Ball skirt - Simplicity 9457

This is all I can find in my sewing room to make this Girl Ball Skirt:

A bit of blue poly taffeta, small remnant of organza, remnant of very soft tulle, and packs of gold and silver trims.

Is this going to be enough? I hope so! I'm not buying any new materials! Worse comes to worse I have some leather material that I can prop up the underskirt! LOL!

Girl's Ball skirt - Simiplicity 9457

While I'm cleaning out my sewing room, my daughter 7, saw the pattern for Simplicity 9457:

Source

She wants me to make that silver ball skirt with 2 black trims. I don't think I have that fabric in my enormous stash. Perhaps I'll just show her my fabric 'store' and ask her to choose a fabric that has enough yardage and a suitable hand. It look easy enough for the top layer, except that I don't have the crinoline underneath to prop up the skirt. Hmm? I really don't want to buy new fabric for this. I will need to figure out what I can McGuyver out of this!

Only Lifeline....or Enjoy Life???

I had a 2nd biopsy of my very big and growing lung tumour a few weeks ago. After sending the sample for investigation, the researchers have found that I have a rare positive RET fusion mutation on my lung tumor. There is currently a clinical trial drug available only at Dana Barber in Boston, MA. It is not available in Canada. I have sent a request for consultation and access to the drug directly to the Research doctor this evening. I am not certain how much the drug will cost or if they will even see me. My cancer is very aggressive and I had already gone through 5 straight days of radiotherapy for my lung and my brain this past week.

I feel like I'm just going through the motion of working towards getting onto this trial. In truth, there are so many cancer clinical trials each month all over North America. How many can a patient chase down? The time, the cost, the chaos in life that follows a clinical trial, etc. I'm working on this getting onto this trial because it was recommended by my prime Oncologist. Otherwise, I don't think I'll go for any trials unless it's within 2 hour drive from my town.

If this will be the last comfortable (physically and mentally little pain) summer I have with my immediate family and beloved friends, let it be a good one. I want to enjoy it. No one is ever ready for death. It often comes too soon. I have had an amazing and fun life comparing to most. I had a look at my Blogger Blog and saw all the fun projects I had done! I can't do much about my health now. I just leave it to the Lord and pray that he will take care of my health, my husband, and my children. All my worrying will do nothing.  He has always given more a lot more than I have prayed for, even contrary to what Western Medicine said I could achieve (fertility treatment).

I am comfortable enough right now. All 5 consecutive days of Lung Radiation seemed to have opened up my airway a little. I'm working out my 1 good lung to reduce my dependence on supplemental oxygen. I am now able to not use supplemental oxygen indoors. I'm going to try to use my own lung in the garden too. I hope I will be able to rid of the extra oxygen then I will be able go out easily - lunch with friends, movies with the kids, etc. Little wins each day goes a long way! Working to not be a prisoner indoors is a good thing! I'm not going to worry about getting on the LOXO 292 trial, or reading up about it every minute of every day. If the Research institute calls upon us, I will do the necessary to go on the trial. If not, it's the Lord's will and I will just enjoy hopefully a few more months in my town.

Commanding my own fleet...so to speak

In North America, they often call this 'being your own quarterback', which means taking over the ultimate directing responsibility yourself.

In my case, my prime oncologist is on vacation this week. As of last week, it seemed that the cancer has spread to more of my bones and I was on more and more painkillers. I hassled my prime oncologist until she agreed to pull some strings and let me see one of her oncologist friend at another hospital to start using radiation to zap some of the bone cancer away. I thought she was going to 'wait till she comes back from her vacation'. I'm the one who is in pain right now! The cancer is not waiting for anyone's vacation! So I'm 'quarterbacking' my own cancer case, working with 5 oncologists in 4 different hospitals. It feels great to be taking charge of my own case, at least it feels like I am writing my own roadmap for this cancer journey for a short period of time. I'm going to see the radio-oncologist next Monday and I'm going to insist on starting radiotherapy right away. I'm also participating in the screening of a new clinical trial at another hospital. I'm keeping track of all these activities with different doctors, making sure that they get sent my latest scans and data so everyone is on the same page. I'm not relying on the doctors themselves to pass on the info amongst themselves.

I'm also working directly with another palliative care doctor for my pain relief.

As much as I love the universal health care system that we have, there is so much bureaucracy that makes the system slow and sluggish. I can imagine that if I was an elderly patient who is not able to keep track of all the appointments, doctors, jargons, trials, etc, and had no full time younger carer to take care of these things for me, what would I do? I would wait until the doctors return from their vacations (people take summer vacations frequently) and perhaps my condition by then would have worsened so much that treatment options would have been limited.

I'm feeling more hopeful now than I was last week. I hope everything will go well this coming week, meaning that I would be able to make a forceful case to the doctors about my cancer care. Wish me luck!

A turn for the worse

Just saw my oncologist a few days ago. Not good news.

Lung tumour has grown from 7cm to 11cm.

Cancer spread to ribs and back bone.  Pain felt at bones and ribs making it tricky to sleep.

More coughing.

Right leg involuntary spasm. I have to be very careful walking up and down the stairs.

Immunotherapy has obviously failed.

Next Tuesday I'll be starting a new clinical trial as well as a new targeted therapy drug. Hopefully it will curb the spread of the cancer.

This is a major setback. We had such high hopes for the Immunotherapy drug since I was a 95% match for Prembolizumab. It was extremely disappointing. It didn't help that within the last week I found out that my father also has late stage lung cancer (He smoked for 60 years) and my mom's Alzheimer symptoms has gotten way worse. My husband's uncle has also been diagnosed with lung cancer (also a life long smoker). It just seems to be too much to bear in a few days........

Do you believe in Angels on Earth?

Since having my 3rd round of Immunotherapy last Wednesday, I have been having lots of uncomfortable symptoms: shortness of breath, lots of coughing, all day/night hot flashes, poor sleeps, poor appetite, etc. All those physical symptoms took a toll on my usually positive mental outlook. For the last few days, I was weepy and feeling like I was losing courage courage in my cancer journey.

Then my dear friend M came to visit me yesterday. She is the kindest, most generous person I have ever known. She was the one who drove me a fair distance for a 4AM MRI appointment. I have never experienced such generosity until then. Unfortunately, her mother also has been diagnosed with a serious illness last month. So she has been busy taking care of her mother and I haven't seen M very often recently. But she continues to reach out to me to see if she could help me in between her time with her mom.

When M visited me yesterday, I was very poorly. I could hardly walk and I was extremely nauseous. We ate together, I cried a bit, she encouraged me with her kind words. She saw that I was tired so she left within the hour.

After M left, I had a very restful 1 hour nap without any hot flashes. Last night I had the best sleep I have had in a week. This morning I had another very restful nap. The frequency of my hot flashes had slowed; the intensity of the hot flashes had subsided. My appetite has improved and so has my mental outlook.

I firmly believe that her short visit yesterday has helped me immensely mentally and physically. She is my Earth Angel. There are some special people in this world that are here to restore our faith in humanity. They are here to give us hope when hope seems to be fading away. I am privileged to have her in my life.

Do you have an Earth Angel in your life?

All day All night Hot flashes

I had my 3rd round of Immunotherapy last Wednesday. Since then, I have been having hot flashes basically every 1.5 hour during the day and night. It is extremely tiresome to have to keep having to wake up and changing my clothes, pillow, sheets, etc.

So I decided to do something practical. During the day, I'm alone in the house - the kids are at school still and my husband is at work. I would just walk around with no top except a thin cotton sheet on. This way when my hot flashes start, I will take off the sheet, eat some ice chips or drink some ice water, and let the hot flash does its thing. After about 20 minutes, I will wipe my whole body down and put the cotton sheet back on. And the cycle continues......

This is workable except when the community nurse visits or when I have medical appointments outside the house. I don't know yet what I'm going to do when I have to leave the house with these ongoing hot flashes. Any ideas for me ladies?

Hot flashes like liquid fire?

I have been having hot flashes/night sweats for about 6 months now. The nurses told me that it could be due to my cancer or menopause or both. All I knew was that I would wake up with a soaking wet shirt, soaking wet pillow and sheets. It is a hassle because then I have to change my shirt and pillow and sheet before continuing to sleep. But I had never felt the hot flash/night sweat in action.....

....until yesterday. I was in a half asleep mode when I felt this liquid fire, seemingly coming from the top of my head, flowing slowly down to my neck, then my arms and torso, my legs and then my feet. My whole body was engulfed in this liquid fire and my body started to sweat profusely. It was the weirdest thing!

So I wonder if any ladies out in the blogsphere could tell me what their hot flashes/night sweats feel like. Does it feel like a liquid fire like this or something else?

Another round of brain zapping (Gamma Knife) led to some good news

I had another Stereostatic surgery (a.k.a. brain zapping with radiation, Gamma Knife) last Wednesday. Since then, I had been super tired and basically been sleeping non-stop. If I didn't have to wake up to cook or deal with the kids I'm sure I could have slept 20 hours a day for the last week! The good news is that of the 3 brain lesions in my brain, one has shrunken significantly and one has disappeared. I guess all these treatments are leading somewhere positive finally!

Next week I will have my 3rd round of immunotherapy. I hope it will yield results in the positive direction as well. I don't know if my body is able to handle all these back to back intense treatments or not. I hope so. Some new hair is starting to grow back on my head, my daughter noticed that right away. She is already talking about the different hair styles I could have, etc. She is really a very fun girl to be around.

I have trained my son to do laundry which is a big help for my husband and I. His allowance is tied to a chores list but he prefers doing laundry the most. He is a wonderful boy. I'm very blessed.

My husband has just started a new diet and exercise regime as well. Our family needs him to be as healthy as possible as he is the main pillar of the family right now. I wish I am not so tired all the time so that I can help him more. Perhaps the tiredness will subside soon.

So I'm still all positive in my cancer journey. Looking forward to the treatments and learning new things about myself and my family!

It's been a while....

I haven't written for a while. Since I wrote last, I went to the Emergency room twice, received another round of Immunotherapy and 1 round of brain Radio Therapy. Since the 1st infusion of Immunotherapy, I had a lot of problems with shortness of breath, constant coughing and pain where the tumour was. Since it was and is such a new drug, the doctors couldn't tell me why my pain is happening and how to manage my pain. I had to do a lot of self-investigation and exploration, etc. I am still in some pain, but nothing like 3 days ago. So I'm hoping that I am finally getting all the serious symptoms more under control than before.

I had a consultation with my prime oncologist a few days ago. I was asking her about life expectancies, et. It was very sobering that she told me that if I had not checked myself into ER on March 13, and started chemo therapy right away on March 27, I would have passed away by now. I appreciated her honesty. Sometimes one doesn't notice how fragile life can be.

Since I'm looking at 1 family gathering milestone at a time as one of the milestones for my cancer journey, the next one coming up is my wedding anniversary this Summer. I hope I will be healthy enough to go out for a fancy nighttime meal with my husband to celebrate.

I'll keep working hard on my Cancer journey!

I attended my daughter's birthday party

This past weekend, I attended my daughter's birthday party at an indoor playground. I missed my son's party because I was in the hospital, so I was determined to get myself well enough to attend my daughter's party. Since I was so weak for so many days after the 2nd round of chemo, I really wasn't sure if I was going to make it.

The 2 days before the party, I made sure I ate and drank a lot, rest as much as I could and not get stressed out or rush around. On the day of the party, I rested in my bed until it was time to go to the party. I had a great time mingling with the other parents, and watching the kids having fun. Everything was going great until the 2.5 hour mark when I suddenly felt unwell. Luckily, my brother was able to drive me home quickly. But I did it! I consider it a small win out of this long journey of cancer/treatment, etc.

I think I will just continue to take these little wins each week to keep me focusing on the positive things in this journey. I'm going to have Immunotherapy tomorrow and I hope I won't get too ill from it. It is supposed to be less harsh on the body than chemotherapy. But knowing me, I'll get all sorts of uncommon side effects (e.g. vomiting, extreme shortness of breath, etc) that the nurses won't be expecting. I have prepared a list for tomorrow so that the nurses will have precautions on hand for me.

Dreaming big....

A few years ago I made a wedding dress for myself because my husband said he wanted have new wedding pictures taken. He was going through a healthy regiment and lost a lot of weight - enough to fit into his wedding suit. So I went through a fun but frenzied period of choosing gowns from my pattern stash, narrowing them down to 3 and made bedsheet muslin versions of them to see which one looked good on me:

Vogue 8285

Simplicity 2639

Eventually I settled on Vogue 2237, which was strange as I was never really big on strapless dresses. I have fairly broad shoulders and back and I thought the straplessness would enhance the broad shoulders. However, the final product was not bad at all:

I used a plain white heavy matte satin for the dress and a 100% cotton broadcloth as the lining and foundation. I wore the cathedral length veil I made when I got married the first time (years ago!) and carried the same bouquet my mother-in-law made years ago (fake flowers are good that way!). I did my own hair and make up. A good friend of ours took pictures of us. It was such a fun and exciting day!

Now I'm dreaming about to do something like that again when I have finally recovered from cancer. It's so fun just doing the planning. I don't think I'll do strapless again. I think I should try another style to learn something new. Off to Pinterest for ideas!!!

Still recovering from chemo......

This 2nd round of Chemo has been rough on my body during and after the treatment. I think my oncologist put some seriously heavy dosage and/or mixture this time around. She saw that my tumour didn't shrink (it didn't spread either) after the first round of chemotherapy. I guess she just wanted to crank it up to see if the 2nd round can shrink the tumour.

I am recovering from this round much slower than the 1st round. 3 days after the first round of chemo I was able to move around and my strength was not bad. Today is the 6th day after my 2nd round of chemo and I'm only started to feel better and not tired, short of breath, and weak all day. I left a voicemail with my oncologist to ask her about the 2nd round dosage but she hasn't replied.

My daughter's birthday party is this weekend. I planned it all on my laptop a few weeks ago. I am hoping I'll be well enough to go to her party. But if not, I'm not going to force myself. I will rest at home. The adults at the party will just have to take lots of pictures for me. :-)

After 3 days of Chemo treatment

I have learned a lot about my body after the 3 days Chemo treatment. Since each person's reaction to chemo is different, it's really up to me to figure out what can ease the treatment for myself.

After the traumatic experience on Day 1, on Day 2 I decided to force myself to sit up straight with my head and back pulled slightly forward so that I didn't get into the 'I can't breathe' situation again. It worked well except I was vomiting a lot. I'd rather vomit than not be able to breathe.

Then on Day 3, I knew by then that as soon as the Chemo drugs hit my veins, the top part of my airways would tighten and make it difficult to breathe. I asked for supplementary oxygen to ease my breathing and that worked well. I also sat up straight with my head and neck tilted slightly forward. I only vomited once and the rest of the treatment was uneventful.

My husband suggested that I see a professional about my traumatic experience on Day 1 just so that I don't develop PTSD later. He had been reading up about other cancer patients who developed PTSD a few year after recovering from cancer.

I'm to have a CAT scan next week to see how the chemo had worked. My Oncologist told me that I'm a good candidate for Immunotherapy, a new promising cancer treatment. So what is Immunotherapy?

From the American Cancer Society:

Immunotherapy is treatment that uses certain parts of a person’s immune system to fight diseases such as cancer. This can be done in a couple of ways:

• Stimulating your own immune system to work harder or smarter to attack cancer cells
• Giving you immune system components, such as man-made immune system proteins

I am doing more research myself about this new treatment.

I'm now resting at home and still feeling positive and grateful for all the kindness and tangible help I have been receiving. I should feel stronger in a few days.

Chemo Round 2 Day 1 - a bit rough

Yesterday I had my Chemo Round 2 Day 1 treatment. It started out a rough and then it got better. I was dozing off in a very comfortable Lazyboy chair at the chemo lab. All of a sudden I had an 'I can't breathe' moment. It only lasted a few seconds. The nurses came running in to give me steroids to open up my airway. I don't think I had ever been that scared in my life. I cried for 10 minutes. I think I scared the other patients at the Chemo lab. For some reason, each time I dozed off after that, I had trouble breathing. So I straightened up the lazy boy, used a sheet they gave me to force my neck and head forward, so my head didn't flop back. And then I dozed off sideways with my elbow on the armrest. That seemed to do the trick and I was able to go through the rest of the 4 hour treatment without incidents.

The nurses also didn't know what happened. They asked me if I was anxious, nervous, troubled when the incident happened,  but I was sleeping and didn't feel particularly anxious. I was enjoying that Lazyboy! Now that I know how to prevent it from happening again, I hope my Chemo session today and tomorrow will go smoothly.

Hair loss, Hats and headscarves

I'm losing my hair due to Chemotherapy. I decided to just buzz it all off so that it's easier to clean up later.

Luckily I made lots of hats for myself during the last few years:

There are more hats that I didn't blog about. This is all good for the colder weather. But when the weather gets warmer, I think I will more likely be wearing head scarves. No problem there either! I have lots of summery fabrics in my fabric stash that I can just cut and serge the edges to make headscarves.

My daughter seems most concerned about my hair loss. She was worried that I wouldn't "be beautiful anymore". I am teaching her that a person's beauty does not only come from her hair. A person is beautiful because she is kind, compassionate, wise, sure of her own qualities and doesn't wait for others to validate her. A person's positivity can shine through an otherwise ordinary physical appearance which makes the person extremely attractive. I'll keep teaching this to her every day.

I'm also teaching my kids that just because I have cancer, I'm not shying away from society. I'm going about my daily life like everyone else, perhaps a bit slower. We went to a restaurant last night for the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer. I had my headscarf on and that invited some looks from the restaurant patrons at first, especially the children. But after a while, people got used to it and I enjoyed having my family restaurant meal as usual. I want my children to understand that just because someone has a serious illness, she doesn't have to hide from society. Unfortunately this is the same lesson I have teach to my mother. She would like me to hide from society until I have completely recovered with a full head of hair, as if I was never sick before.

Weight loss

This is another rant.

Before I was ill, I was in the higher end of a healthy weight range for my height and build. I wasn't obsessed with my weight all the time. But like most women, I was looking at my post-birth tummy and wishing it was smaller, or the love handles less prominent.

Now that I'm ill, I have lost a lot of weight. I am at the same weight I was when I was 12 years old. I'm trying to eat a lot and gain weight and muscles back so that I can be closer to my regular weight before the next round of Chemotherapy, which will knock down my overall health again.

I look back at my silly thoughts about my mommy tummy and sighed. This illness has been such an eye opener for me. It teaches me what is really important in life - overall good health, contentment with what one already has, family, friends, love, support, compassion for others, kindness, spirituality.

Cancer has knocked down my physical health. But it has raised my emotional and spiritual well-being. I have not known kindness and compassion from my community like this before. I think it has made me mentally a better person. I think I have become a less cynical and selfish person because of cancer.

Oscar de la Renta - Ink splotches

I know that embroidery is coming back this year as a trend. I'm not really into embroidery except in ethnic clothing. However, I can see that it can add a little something to a plain dress or coat.

These Ink splotches are more my kind of thing. They are on the Oscar de la Renta 2018 Spring/Summer collection. I think they add a little something fun to the outfit. The 3 quarter length straight jacket looks very nice. I have lots of sewing patterns that can make this open spring jacket. Hey may be I can even try to do my own ink splotches!

source: Elle.com

source: Pinterest.com

Thank Goodness for Publicly Funded Health Care

This is NOT a political post. It's only my personal experience of Publicly Funded Health Care in Ontario, Canada.

I have always believed in Publicly Funded Health Care. It has been part of the core Canadian Identity for a long time.  In 1947, the Saskatchewan Government, led by leader Tommy Douglas, introduced the first provincial hospital insurance program In Canada. There were many oppositions to a national publicly funded health care program: doctors, medical associations, insurance companies, big business, etc. But many fought to do the right thing, including the government.

Before I was ill, I have heard many news reports about how the Public Health Care money was being misused. I'm sure with such a behemoth system, misuse of funds and mistakes are unavoidable. Of course the parts that are not working need to fixed. But it didn't shake my believe in the concept of Publicly Funded Health Care.

Now that I am ill, I saw first hand how important publicly funded health care for all is. At my regional hospital where I stayed, all the specialists, doctors, nurses, therapists were hard working, dedicated and showed enormous compassion and kindness to me. All the intricate co-ordinations, consultations within and outside the hospital on the fly, medication dispensing, carefully tailored treatments, etc, were done with such ease and expediency. And when I was being discharged, all the necessary specialists were assembled to plan my discharge. A lot of phone calls, paperwork and arrangements were all made on my behalf, just so that I would have everything I would need when I get home. And when I got home, there were nurses who visit me daily to check my health. An occupational therapist came to check that my home is set up correctly for a patient to be as comfortable and as independent as possible. And then there are others who deliver supplemental oxygen, loaned me walkers, hospital beds, etc. All these are done at no cost to me, other than the taxes I have been paying.

And I'm just a regular Ontario citizen. I'm not rich or famous or in high power. The regional health centre I went to does this for everyone who comes to their door - whoever they are, even if they are not paying taxes. And they charge them nothing neither.

I'm also aware that there are others in Ontario that are not as lucky as me. There are not enough health services available in rural areas, First Nations regions, etc. It is not easy to distribute services to remote areas but we need to figure out something to help those areas. I'm interested in starting my research on this to understand these issues.

Plaid Oscar de la Renta Dress - the plan

The plaid dress I was salivating about yesterday doesn't seem too difficult to master. It looks to me that it's a standard princess seamed top above the waist. Then below the waist one side is an a-line skirt and the other is a larger overlapping bias pieces. A row of bias self-fabric fringe adorn the collar, while some of the edges of the skirt are frayed.

I have this McCall pattern in my stash already for the top part of the dress:

source: McCall's pattern

I'm pretty sure I can figure the bottom out with muslin and trial and error.

Plaid dress inspiration - Oscar de la Renta

See! It didn't take me long to salivate on a dress I want to make later!

I came across this OSCAR DE LA RENTA Asymmetric Fringed Checked Cotton-Blend Tweed Midi Dress while surfing. I love plaid and love these asymmetric things:

source: FarFetch.com

source: net-a-porter.com

The good thing about making this dress is that one doesn't really match the plaid (because I'm lazy and because I hate wasting fabric when having to match the pattern). But where would one go with this dress? It's not really for the office (too on-trend to be taken seriously). And it's too casual for a special occasion. Perhaps I could make the asymmetric skirt less flappy so that it can be for daily use?

Long time No Blog

I haven't blog for a very long time.

That's because I have been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer.

I have never smoked in my life. I didn't drink alcohol. I never did recreational drugs. I ate organic foods and exercised moderately.

So it's just bad luck I guess.

I have 2 kids under 10 years old. Of course I'm fighting this cancer. I have to.

I went through1 round of Chemotherapy and that was more painful than I had expected.

2 more rounds of Chemos are planned. I feel more prepared mentally this time. Also, my doctor talked about Targeted Radiotherapy in the future.

I have been so touched and humbled by friends and family who sprung to help me and my kids without hesitation. I feel like I haven't been a good enough friend to them before my illness.

So for the near future, I won't be doing any sewing or crafting or refashioning. But I may still blog about things I want to make later when my health improves.

And I'll be reading the blogs of my sewists to see what they have been creating!